On the subject of housecleaning: you will never, let me repeat, NEVER be able to clean the entire house,…ever, ever, ever…it’s NOT going to happen…there is no way, no way, DO YOU HEAR ME? You can try, you can finish one room, maybe even one floor, but Ma’am, you just better be ready, cuz when you return after “finishing” another room, that first one will be DESTROYED!!! And so I tell you: you will NOT be able to get it all done!!!
please excuse that little tantrum…
On the subject of the Momivan: sour milk does not have it’s own sweet aroma, it does not have the possibility of sweeping the nation as the new scent of pop stars…it reeks, stinks, and gaggingly so…and when your sweet things swear to you a million times that they will NOT forget that, and will therefore remember to take their sippy cups out of the car after an errand…DO NOT BELIEVE THEM!!! It will NOT happen! And you will get to smell that sweet smell for the next week until 1) your nose hairs burn off and all sense of smell has disintegrated from your nostrils 2) your darling husband gets in there and cleans the mess for you because if I've learned one more thing: cleaning the van is just not my forte!
On the subject of exercise: when they say 30 day shred...they actually mean 30 days of torture...your arms, legs and places you forgot existed because you are sooo far gone from 18 anymore, are going to SCREAM for you to PLEASE stop the insanity of it all...
and, just for the record, IF you don't stop eating the chocolate, chips, fountain drinks, and ice cream...no amount of "shredding" is going to do a lick of good...so, wake up from that little dream world girlfriend...and embrace the fact that you are now in your MID 30-somethings and this is the body you got...yes, it's a far cry from those teenage years, but just call it "battle wounds" and wear it proudly!
On the subject of Pop: ohhhh, there ain't nothin' so good as an ice cold fountain drink of Pepsi...nothing. period. end of discussion....
Okay, well, perhaps a white chocolate mocha frappaccino might rank up there with it...but that's it...'nuf said!
I've learned some other things too in a few other categories as well...for example:
* homemade cookie icecream sandwiches ROCK...however, it will benefit you greatly to put them in the freezer FLAT instead of on their side, as the ice cream will slip through the cookies and ooze over everything else until it then freezes solid to the shelf.
*zucchinis grow...they grow BIG...no, you don't understand...they grow B.I.G. If you are crazy enough to plant them, they will grow and you will have to grate them and grate them and grate them and keep grating them in order to freeze them...and you will have bags upon bags of shredded, liquidy, zucchini goo in your freezer for the entire winter...
p.s. your children have figured out that the green flakes in the "yummy bread" is not just "flavor"...therefore, adding chocolate chips will aide in getting them to eat it.
*when you haven't seen Little Munchkin in awhile and you can't find the pen that you were using, it's safe to assume that the two are together...and let's just say that, that just can't be a good thing.
*When God causes you to wake up at 4am for no apparant reason, it's probably to pray...and if you just do it, you'll probably be able to get back to sleep quickly...however, if you wake up at 4 am for no apparant reason and think "why am I up? I think I"ll go play on the computer...or clean the kitchen...make some coffee...take a shower...fret a little about a past event...journal about some frivolous matter...and THEN try to get back to sleep" Yes, number one you will NOT get back to sleep until it is too late b/c one of the 3 darlings will be awake and needing you! Number 2, you're gonna be soooooo sorry b/c you are going to be exhausted for the rest of hte day!
So my morals for the day: be modest, set realistic expectations, quit drinking milk in the car, strut your mommy flab, treat yourself to a soda every once in awhile, and most of all...keep those communication lines open up above...He's not going to quit pursuin'...it doesn't matter what time it is.
