I don't always like to talk about this past event because it tends to bring such sadness. It's not because I don't have hope of seeing my sister again, it's not because I don't think she's having an incredible time in heaven...it's because that's the day that life changed for everyone in my family. And sometimes, I still mourn the fact that we're not the same...and to be just plain honest, I miss her...I know she'd MUCH rather be there, but I still want her here.
The 16th of August marked 14 years since my sister Sarah went home to be with Jesus. Some people know the story, others just have snippets of the facts. I'm writing today because I feel like God has just been bringing all sorts of different reminders to me...blessings even...and I thought I'd share.
Sarah was 7 years younger than me. I remember her being born. She had 4 holes in her heart, and back in '81 open heart surgery for a baby was extremely dangerous...not that it isn't dangerous now, but they didn't know as much back then. She did have surgery when she turned one and they closed all those holes for her. I remember her hospital stay. I remember touching her thin hair on her head and wishing I could craw in the hospital crib with her. I hated having to go to school the day of the surgery. I remember wandering on the playground in a daze. I didn't know what was happening to her.
Sarah came out just fine and took awhile to recoop. She became a bubbly, skinny little girl. She had a huge scar the length of her chest, but she didn't seem to care...I remember her doing cartwheels and playing Barbies...she had a beautiful voice and Mom always had the 4 of us doing "concerts" for our family during the holidays.
By the time I left for college, she was just hitting all those fun, later elementary, early junior high years. I missed out on all that because I was gone. She wrote me sweet cards and letters while I was in school. I still have them (imagine that:) She had to have another open heart surgery during my first years at school due to some "out of the blue" problem...She had been absolutely normal for 11 years and then BOOM...soooooo, she had her other surgery and they discovered that she had developed a heart disease, called cardiomyopathy. We were told that she could go years and years without any trouble, OR it could get bad...
Needless to say, it got bad...The summer I was in Australia on a singing team for school, Sarah went to camp with the church. While there, she had serious trouble...I can't even write it because it makes me sick to my stomach to know that she was there without family to take care of her...She's not a complainer or whiner and I know she just tried to make everyone think that she would be just fine.
When they got her home, she collapsed at the dinner table with the family. My brother had to call 911 while my parents worked on her. The ambulance came and had to use the paddles multiple times. They brought her back, but that was the last time out of the hospital for her.
I did not find out about any of this until I stepped off the plane from Austalia. I was so excited coming down the tunnel to see my family standing there and I asked, "Where is Sarah?"...they calmly told me what happened and I started to cry. It was right then that God told me, "I'm taking her home...it won't be long."
I just wanted to get to her and take a million pictures and BE with her. I crawled into her hospital bed this time around...we watched movies, she made some beautiful crafty things with her hands. I talked with her on the phone when we had to go back to the house...she was there a month.
The day she got her heart, for the heart transplant is like a replay of a movie for me. I was at home with my baby sister, Rach and Anthony had come to visit. My parents were driving home from the hospital and it was around 9pm or so. No cell phones these days...I get a call from Sarah, "Sissy, they have a heart for me and I'm scared." I kept her on the phone for as long as I could...the nurses were scrambling and I could hear them having to work fast in the background...My parents were stuck at a train...when they got home I sent them right back...it was an hour drive.
Anthony and I stayed up all night long just praying and crying and hoping...My parents got there in time...We came the next morning. She was fine for a couple days...I got to see her...she was laying flat with tubes all over the place. She knew sign language and she told me that she loved me. I love you too sis.
She then had a stroke...a random bubble got lodged somewhere...the heart wouldn't take...I remember being on the roof of the hospital and just screaming because I was so confused...I wanted God to take her because she was in so much pain and looked so awful, but I didn't want her to go...It was like those crazy "out of body" experiences. There was a moment that I knew she was gone...I automatically just stopped crying and went back to the room (they put us up in the hospital hotel at this point) and waited for Rachel to wake up. When she did, I acted like normal...we played and giggled and got her all dressed and ready...we held hands and rode on the elevator. My parents didn't have to tell me that she was gone...I knew...
But, they took us to a back room...all white...and told all of us all together. Rachel was devestated...my brother was strong, but the tears just poured...I had to leave. Everyone else went back in to "see" her. But, I couldn't...I didn't want to remember her like that...I wanted to remember when she told me she loved me. She was so excited to see Jesus. She had verses and prayers colored on posters all over her room...she was ready. We just weren't.
That was the day that life changed...in so many ways...all the "normal" things happened immediately afterward: the funeral, heading back to school, eating, sleeping, breathing...but, it was just different...
The "story" could go on for a long time...how these events affected relationships both good and bad, how it changed plans...but, it amazes me how time sometimes "softens" the edge of the hurts. I don't know God's purpose in it all, but I do know that He used what happened to grow us.
I still miss her though...I wonder what she'd be like today...She'd be 28...would she be married, have little ones? Would she be a nurse or a teacher? I sometimes secretly "adopt" ladies at my church that are that age, as a sister...it's fun to imagine what it would be like.
So, I apologize for a sad morning post...she was on my mind this week...and I thought I'd share...
Psalm 73: 26 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
The 16th of August marked 14 years since my sister Sarah went home to be with Jesus. Some people know the story, others just have snippets of the facts. I'm writing today because I feel like God has just been bringing all sorts of different reminders to me...blessings even...and I thought I'd share.
Sarah was 7 years younger than me. I remember her being born. She had 4 holes in her heart, and back in '81 open heart surgery for a baby was extremely dangerous...not that it isn't dangerous now, but they didn't know as much back then. She did have surgery when she turned one and they closed all those holes for her. I remember her hospital stay. I remember touching her thin hair on her head and wishing I could craw in the hospital crib with her. I hated having to go to school the day of the surgery. I remember wandering on the playground in a daze. I didn't know what was happening to her.
Sarah came out just fine and took awhile to recoop. She became a bubbly, skinny little girl. She had a huge scar the length of her chest, but she didn't seem to care...I remember her doing cartwheels and playing Barbies...she had a beautiful voice and Mom always had the 4 of us doing "concerts" for our family during the holidays.
By the time I left for college, she was just hitting all those fun, later elementary, early junior high years. I missed out on all that because I was gone. She wrote me sweet cards and letters while I was in school. I still have them (imagine that:) She had to have another open heart surgery during my first years at school due to some "out of the blue" problem...She had been absolutely normal for 11 years and then BOOM...soooooo, she had her other surgery and they discovered that she had developed a heart disease, called cardiomyopathy. We were told that she could go years and years without any trouble, OR it could get bad...
Needless to say, it got bad...The summer I was in Australia on a singing team for school, Sarah went to camp with the church. While there, she had serious trouble...I can't even write it because it makes me sick to my stomach to know that she was there without family to take care of her...She's not a complainer or whiner and I know she just tried to make everyone think that she would be just fine.
When they got her home, she collapsed at the dinner table with the family. My brother had to call 911 while my parents worked on her. The ambulance came and had to use the paddles multiple times. They brought her back, but that was the last time out of the hospital for her.
I did not find out about any of this until I stepped off the plane from Austalia. I was so excited coming down the tunnel to see my family standing there and I asked, "Where is Sarah?"...they calmly told me what happened and I started to cry. It was right then that God told me, "I'm taking her home...it won't be long."
I just wanted to get to her and take a million pictures and BE with her. I crawled into her hospital bed this time around...we watched movies, she made some beautiful crafty things with her hands. I talked with her on the phone when we had to go back to the house...she was there a month.
The day she got her heart, for the heart transplant is like a replay of a movie for me. I was at home with my baby sister, Rach and Anthony had come to visit. My parents were driving home from the hospital and it was around 9pm or so. No cell phones these days...I get a call from Sarah, "Sissy, they have a heart for me and I'm scared." I kept her on the phone for as long as I could...the nurses were scrambling and I could hear them having to work fast in the background...My parents were stuck at a train...when they got home I sent them right back...it was an hour drive.
Anthony and I stayed up all night long just praying and crying and hoping...My parents got there in time...We came the next morning. She was fine for a couple days...I got to see her...she was laying flat with tubes all over the place. She knew sign language and she told me that she loved me. I love you too sis.
She then had a stroke...a random bubble got lodged somewhere...the heart wouldn't take...I remember being on the roof of the hospital and just screaming because I was so confused...I wanted God to take her because she was in so much pain and looked so awful, but I didn't want her to go...It was like those crazy "out of body" experiences. There was a moment that I knew she was gone...I automatically just stopped crying and went back to the room (they put us up in the hospital hotel at this point) and waited for Rachel to wake up. When she did, I acted like normal...we played and giggled and got her all dressed and ready...we held hands and rode on the elevator. My parents didn't have to tell me that she was gone...I knew...
But, they took us to a back room...all white...and told all of us all together. Rachel was devestated...my brother was strong, but the tears just poured...I had to leave. Everyone else went back in to "see" her. But, I couldn't...I didn't want to remember her like that...I wanted to remember when she told me she loved me. She was so excited to see Jesus. She had verses and prayers colored on posters all over her room...she was ready. We just weren't.
That was the day that life changed...in so many ways...all the "normal" things happened immediately afterward: the funeral, heading back to school, eating, sleeping, breathing...but, it was just different...
The "story" could go on for a long time...how these events affected relationships both good and bad, how it changed plans...but, it amazes me how time sometimes "softens" the edge of the hurts. I don't know God's purpose in it all, but I do know that He used what happened to grow us.
I still miss her though...I wonder what she'd be like today...She'd be 28...would she be married, have little ones? Would she be a nurse or a teacher? I sometimes secretly "adopt" ladies at my church that are that age, as a sister...it's fun to imagine what it would be like.
So, I apologize for a sad morning post...she was on my mind this week...and I thought I'd share...
Psalm 73: 26 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
