I can't remember what I ate for lunch yesterday.
But, after 911...I remember...
I was 7 months along with Sweetpea...I had said goodbye to my I.S. as he left for work and I set to folding clothes on the bed after I fed my Bailey dog.
The Today show was on and I sat listening to Katie Couric and Matt Lauer tell me what new book was out or maybe it was whatever the latest pop star was up to during the past weekend...but, I set about putting things away, letting my dog outside...just going about the day...
I don't remember when I went back into the bedroom...because I wasn't in front of the TV as the planes hit...I just know that I was expecting to see some latest cooking tip and instead, the news desk was frantic.
I sat sort of shell-shocked...not quite comprehending what was going on...My husband had been in those towers the month prior for a business meeting...and within the half hour, they had crumbled to the ground.
Ever the student...always the teacher...I grabbed my notebook and pen and just started flipping between CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox News...and started writing...I wrote names, dates, times...
If only I could let it sink into my being more, if I could just grasp the reality of it...
and I couldn't...
The more I wrote and flipped through my notes and compared to the reporters...I became more and more confused...
I just wanted to do something...I had a child inside of me and I let the fear in...
I remember calling my husband at work to "update" him every half hour or so...I didn't have a "job"...I felt as though I had nothing to contribute...
and so I wrote...and I sang to my Sweetpea...and I prayed...
Our dog followed me around because she sensed that something was wrong...
Some family members that I called refused to turn on the TV...they didn't want to face the horror or the shock...
but, I'm a feeler...and I had nothing else to do but feel as I put myself in the shoes of those on the plane, of those in the buildings, of those in their kitchens hanging onto the phone saying goodbye...
Time passes of course...
It's amazing to me how time refuses to stop when we hurt...when we lose someone...I almost feel as though it should...like, they deserve for time to stand still for awhile...for time to "miss" them...
but it doesn't...
God makes it so...and we put one foot in front of the other...and we take one breath in and one breath out...and we birth more babies...and we move to new homes...and we graduate to the next grade...and we learn to ride bikes...and the sun keeps rising and setting...
I still, sometimes, let the fear take up residence...I struggle with breaths...I don't want to let go...I just want things to hold still for just a moment longer...
I don't have the answer to the why...but, I'm learning to give the fear to Him to who does...
I took time to remember today...and to pray...and to push my girls on the swing...and to cherish the times we are given...
