Struggles

Since beginning the Esther Bible study (that I think I mentioned a time or two before)
I’ve really been amazed at how God can come off a page in book where His NAME is NEVER mentioned…how crazy is that?

I’ve imagined Esther and all the “crazy-head” stuff she must have gone through…
Like, “Oh my goodness, I get to have all these beauty treatments…get me a massage room and a diet coke please!”
Right into: “What? It’s my turn? To go see the king? Like NOW? Okay, be still my heart!”
Then onto: “You’ve GOT to be kidding me? I’m the QUEEN?”

And then life gets REALLY crazy… “This crazy best friend of my husband’s has just ordered the annihilation of all my people and my husband doesn’t even GET it?”

And “Dear Uncle, you don’t understand…he hasn’t “called” me in over a month…I haven’t SEEN my husband in a MONTH…you want me to just saunter on in???”

It just goes on and on…She must have been on an emotional rollercoaster for a very long time…and in the midst of it…she just obeys…Tonight, our study brought us to:
It’s hard being a woman who feels responsible to bring the “how”

I’ve really been thinking about what my “hard being a woman statements would be”…but, not just being a woman…but of being a mom, a wife, a sister, a sister in law, a friend…I find that I struggle with lots of things all over the board. Sometimes it’s just overwhelming…but other times, I’m hopeful because on this journey, I know there have got to be others that deal with at least some of these things too..What is that “misery enjoys company” or something along those lines?

I thought I’d just be real vulnerable here and write a list of all those “little” things that go on in my crazy head…things that I desperately need my Father to help me with!

THINGS I STRUGGLE WITH:

Time management: getting out the door on time with all 3 girls and just getting MYSELF out the door when it’s just me

Feeling pretty on the outside with the extra baby flab that hangs over like a muffin top over my jeans that used to be loose, but now I am barely hangin’ on in the smaller size, knowing full well that I should just go get my bigger jeans out of the closet (and I’m writing this while sipping on a Vente White Chocolate Frappaccino from Starbucks…lowfat mind youJ)

Feeling good on the inside because I just can’t seem to be consistent when it comes to a DAILY quiet time…

Obviously, I struggle with EMOTIONS since I’m “feeling” all over the place and I struggle with realizing that it’s not based on a feeling!

Fear that something will happen to my husband or any family member (this is still a fear from when my sister died while I was in college)

Relationships when I think that someone doesn’t like me or I basically feel like they just tolerate me

Balancing schooling, keeping the house clean, spending play time with my girls and then having enough energy to cook dinner and be with my husband at the end of the day

Comparison: as a wife, as a Mommy, the appearance of my house, the appearance of ME, how I sing, the choice of clothes, how I teach, even my scrapbooking and blogging…it’s not an everyday struggle, but it just pops up unaware…and I’m usually on the “losing” end of that comparison game.

Being consistent with exercise and then feeling guilty about it…but feeling guilty for doing it when I know it takes me away from my girls

Decision making: I not only struggle with making the decision, but once the decision is made, then being okay with the decision and not second guessing myself every time something doesn’t go as planned.

Laundry: I can’t seem to get a handle on this…I never have just 2 loads (colors and whites) It’s more like 6 loads at a time because it just piles up so fast…and then comes the folding and putting away…that about puts me over the edge.

Over obsession: basically thinking too much about myself IN THAT…if something is wrong I usually think everyone else thinks it was MY fault…or that I’m the problem…(as if they really are spending time thinking about ME at all!)

Realizing that this list could go on forever and forever…but for right now, this is about all I can actually stomach…so I close tonight…probably giving you a little TMI, so forgive me and click on someone else’s blog on the right for some light wit and humor!!!

Shave and Haircut...two bits (or muffins)

So, the other day I was in a “Martha Stewart” mood…you know, where you just wanna make somethin’ from scratch and pretend it turns out like a scrumptious thing to eat???

yeah well…anyway…

The girls and I decided that we would make some muffins…we had some lovely, overly ripe, incredibly brown, squishy (basically, really gross) bananas sitting on the counter…so banana, chocolate chip muffins were a must…

But, we also had ½ a bag of frozen blueberries that we had picked last summer and hadn’t used…so blueberry muffins seemed like a good idea as well. Besides, we’re planting blueberry bushes this year and we might as well start trying some recipes with blueberries in them!

We got out our handy, dandy Better Homes and Gardens cook book and our measuring utensils and off we went. (do I sound like a Blue’s Clues episode?)

C loved the muffins…check out the pics below…

Mommy, mind if I just shove it in my mouth?

Yep, I didn't think so...

Well, that was good...thanks

This was all done while little Macie was at the Beauty Salon getting’ all PRETTY…

Introducing…MACIE, the Beauty Queen!!!

Egg Hunt Pictures

Easter is coming! And though the most important thing that we remember is that Jesus died for us, just because he loved us…that he didn’t stay dead, but rose again, conquering death so that we can live forever!!!…that he is GOD and we CAN have a personal relationship with him…no need for any other mediator or a million good works…

That is just a miracle, isn’t it? That I can be accepted, just where I am in this journey, but I’m not allowed to just stay here…I have to choose to keep moving…towards him or away…unconditional love, unbelievable patience, but a Just God, who can’t tolerate sin…WOW…He’s just amazing…

There is just no way to segway into these pictures…because how can you follow what Christ did huh? So, I stumble over my words and just tell you that the kids had a cousin easter egg hunt this week…and I thought I’d post some pictures…

So this is my "big kid" husband making all the kids close their eyes

and walk to the edge of the driveway...notice little peanut trying to follow

close behind...

Daddy said, "NOW"...and off they run...

Hmm...what's this...there is candy inside, well, shucks, let me just pull this out

...

Oh yeah, this is candy...I'll be eating this right now Mommy...

Ummm...that's great baby, where is

the egg???

OH..I see...here it is...

Out of Nowhere...

I know I talk a lot about my youngest. She is a mystery to me. Even though M and E are completely different, and I do parent them differently, they still have that same compliant temperament in common…maybe it’s because they are older and my memory is fading? But, my baby just comes out of nowhere to me sometimes…

At times she wants to be just like her sisters…brushes her teeth, puts on her clothes, drinks from a straw and big cup, has been using a fork since I can’t even remember when she didn’t…but other times…whooweee…she can throw a temper tantrum like NONE OTHER!!! I mean the wailin’ and thrashin’ and tears just streaming…I just sit back and I think I am in shock. I’m not trying to pick on my child…I really do love her ummm “passion”…and the thing is, I never want to come across as a parent that has just figured it all out, or has some spiritual guidelines that I have set and the equation will pop out the perfect little angel…and so I share when I downright fail or just don’t have a clue what I am doing! So in a way, I'm thankful for these little "idiosyncricies" (no idea if I spelled that right) in my little C...she keeps me on my toes, and from getting too big for my own britches! (My weight is already helping me in that area anyway!)

I LOVE my girls…I love their quirks…I love their sensitivity…but they know that they are not perfect and I sure do know it as well, for heaven’s sake, look at their mother!…I get a little uncomfortable around people who just rave about their children, give me “spiritual advice” and then tell me their children’s weaknesses…like say, “Oh Johnny just struggles with perfectionism…you know, he just wants to be perfect” or “I just can’t get Susie to eat her brussel sprouts…I mean, she eats carrots, eggplant, avacado, broccoli, beans, peas, you name it, etc etc” …Good grief, if that’s all you got, please just keep it to yourself…(Obviously these are crazy examples because I don’t want to offend anyone, but I think you’re getting my point) My oldest is only 7 and I’m dealin’ with all kinds of stuff with all 3 of my girls at all their different stages…it’s not because I’m a bad mom and it’s not because they’re bad kids…it’s because everyone comes out with sin in their hearts…we’re called to shepherd our kids…they ARE going to embarrass us, and I’d rather get red, smile and just move on than try to excuse it away or try to spiritualize the matter. Don’t other people deal with disobedience or defiance or fear or selfishness or arguing or whining???

This came out of nowhere in my head today. I think I just get tired of appearances. Just watching people trying to dress right, say the right thing, live in the right community, own a big house, have all the right “toys” and then have these perfect kids. And I get caught up with it too…and it’s frustrating. I don’t want to compare my kids or try to get them to be something so that they will “Look” right in the eyes of others…nor do I want to have to “explain” their behavior so that it will appear that I had a reason all along, for why they did what they did…

I want to love them…unconditionally, to the best of my ability. I am going to fail them…too many times to count. I want to cultivate really great relationships with them, but I know that even if I do, I can’t control their hearts…and I just want to love them, and make sure they know it, in the deepest part of themselves. Regardless of what they look like, or if they match their clothes, or if they are kooky, or if they insist on wearing boots in the summer time, or if they throw major temper tantrums in the middle of the store and everyone is staring and thinking, “that woman has NO control over her children, humph, what a loser!”…and don't think people don't think things like that, especially if they themselves have PERFECT children!!! I'm sure with their parenting style, their children would NEVER do a thing like that!

Thank you Lord for giving me the girls I have, with the temperaments and personalities that they have…thank you for the age span, and that you’ve only given me what I can handle and when I can’t, you give me enough grace to get through. Please do NOT allow me to get prideful or to think that I have just “done things right”, even if my girls DO turn out like angels in the end!

Running for Mayor!

He could have run for Mayor yesterday...

Yes…my hubby probably could have won by a landslide on Saturday if all the soccer moms and dads were the voters…Sweetpea had her first game…Italian Stallion has really taken a serious responsibility to this coaching thing…he’s not in it to win, he just likes to teach them skills…he’s been running drills with them and giving them “homework” with their soccer balls…

These little 6-7 year old girls…they will do anything for Coach! One little girl got whapped in the face today with the ball as she was the goalie. She was on the ground crying at the impact and everyone went down on one knee. Italian Stallion ran out to her, and asked her, “do you want to come out for awhile or stay in”…she looked him in the eye (with tears still there) and said, “I’ll stay in Coach!” BREAK MY HEART!

They were passin’ the ball and working together as a team…it was incredible! I was just so proud not only of my daughter, who scored her very first goal (of which I missed because of another long story…UGH) but of my husband, who genuinely loves these little girls. As I watch him, I am comforted once again as to why God saw fit to give us all girls in this family…he’s just the best dad for this job!

Good Saturday

I get so giddy when I see this…

Every morning, the girls run to my bedroom, where I have all these little seedlings, and we just sit there and look, ever so closely at each little container, wondering if we might see a new sprout!

I planted my onions, sugar daddy peas, and rows of spinach and lettuces today. My potatoes and asparagus are on their way…and my strawberries are taking over about a ¼ for my flowerbed out front! Mmmmmmmmmmmmm I can already taste all the yummy things we’re gonna have this summer!

It amazes me…simply amazes me that these tiny little seeds…

Produce such delicious vegetables and fruits! God is truly amazing…he takes these tiiiiiiiny little things and they grow into humungous plants, and produce fruit! I can hear scientific explanation and watch a million videos on the subject…but it just comes down to a miracle…

It gives me hope too…even in my small girls…that God has an incredible plan, that’s bigger than the seed itself for them! Thank you Lord for the reminder!

A Book Explanation and Pack-Rat-ism

What do these 2 have in common? I’m so glad you asked…and I promise that I’ll get to that...in just a sec..

We just finished this book…

Not to be confused with this book…

Wait a minute, they have the same title, what is the difference? I will tell you…a lot…and that’s what I think is soooooooo interesting…

Just a disclaimer here, I am not overly elegant with words, although I LOVE to use them…so I will do my best to try to explain my “That is really interesting” moment that I had concerning these two books…

So back to the explanation: Book number 2 was written in 1929. It was recommended to me by different people, including Barnes and Noble booksellers…Since my girls are into dolls, I thought I’d give it a try (let me interject here: The story is a “memoirs” of sorts, of a doll made of wood…since she’s made of wood, she obviously can’t talk, but she is “alive” and basically will never “die”, so she just tells her story as she passes from one owner to the next over the course of her First Hundred Years)

So, that leads me to thinking that my girls would indeed like this book…the problem is that book number 2 is rather large novel and the literature is a bit more “meaty” and I wondered if my younger one could handle it…not that she doesn’t sit and listen to many novels, but her personality is very different than my eldest. My eldest will sit and listen to books on CD, read alouds, read to herself…for hours…she gets completely caught up in the story and it’s like a movie to her that she doesn’t want to turn off…My second gets antsy…not because she’s not into the story, but because her imagination starts working…

For example, we are in the middle of the Boxcar Children series as well…I can’t go 2 chapters with her stopping me, and asking me questions like, “Mommy, do you think I look like Violet? Do you think I could play the violin like that?…Wait, I have an idea, how about we pretend that I’m Violet and M can be Jesse…and let’s make a box car out of the bunkbed…”
Do you see where this leads? She wants to PLAY the story out…so I’m lucky to get through a few chapters at all…

For this reason, I went with book #1…it is a sort of “abridged” version of the novel, but in a picture book form…it is still over 100 pages long, but the pictures keep the imagination from traveling too far from the story itself…therefore keeping both girls active in their listening!

Okay…so back to the difference between the two…What is amazing to me is that this 2nd book was written in 1999 as opposed to 1929…now follow me here…you do realize that history just keeps getting bigger and bigger as time goes by…my girls will only learn the “Main Points” about things like the Civil War, WWI, WWII, because they’ve got to remember the Iraq war and this new technology age, and so much more…My parents and grandparents know so much more of the details regarding those things because they (grandparents) either actually lived through it OR they were taught more about certain events in history because there wasn’t as much to cover…is this making sense?

So, in book #1 “Hitty” (the doll) meets Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and ends up with the granddaughter of one her first owners from back on a plantation…In Book #2 she meets someone named Adalina Patti and sits for a Daguerreotype…Do you see what they have done? With the picture book, the details are actually more general…my kids will know who Abe Lincoln, but have no idea who Adalina Patti is…however, I bet if I asked my grandmother, she’d know just who I was speaking about.

Anyway, that was what was interesting…now, some of you reading may say..."I read all the way through this incredibly long blog for THAT?" Okay, well...sorry if I disappointed you, I"m a little nuts sometimes and the craziest things sometimes catch my interest!

In the end, the girls “needed” a Hitty doll for themselves now that we finished and they could actually act it out…This is where my Pack-rat-ism comes in handy…You see, down in the depths of my basement lie boxes upon boxes of STUFF…in one of those boxes I remembered were old dolls that are never played with…but low and behold, they now make PERFECT Hitty dolls!

The girls spent the afternoon cross stitching HITTY’s name into a very pathetic camisole that I sewed quickly for them…now, they matched the doll in the book and all is well in their world!