16 years today

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

That was a verse that Sarah claimed.

She'd be turning 30 years old this year...one month from today to be exact.  We shared a birthday month. 

There are days that I feel cheated...I feel like God let her down...let us down...

The key word there is "feel"...because even though it doesn't "feel" good, I know that He still is and that He has a bigger purpose...even when I don't see it.

Being 7 and 12 years older than my little sisters, I wasn't exactly "present" in their everyday lives...I was off to highschool and basketball games, mission trips and study groups while they were still home playing polly pockets.  As my youngest sister is entering a new phase in her life, as our "seasons of life" get closer together, I find that we have more in common and it's not just big sister/little sister...but it will turn more into friend/friend. 

I never had, nor will have that with Sarah. 

Her going to heaven changed a LOT of things...it changed our 'normal', it changed my parents (how could it not), it changed my perspective and my view of 'life'...I headed back to my senior year in college feeling rather lost...that led to a myriad of bad choices and broken relationships...

remember how I mentioned feeling "cheated"?

When I focus on all the "yuck" from that year and the ones that followed that seemed like the aftermath of her passing, I am angry...and yet, when I focus on everything else, I am amazed at what God pulled out of the mess and made into my life such happiness.

For those that don't know the "story" of my sister...well, it would take wayyyy more than one blog post to share it with you...but the condenses version is something along these lines:

Sarah was born with 4 holes in her heart way back in '81
She had open heart surgery at age one to close 3 of the 4 holes.
She was fine for 10 years or so...cheerleading, singing, piano, friends, school, vacations, camp...
All of a sudden she started having some major trouble and needed another open heart surgery to fix a valve.
They discovered she had Cardiomyopathy and would one day need a heart transplant (we just didn't realize that it would be so soon)
The summer of '95 she was at Lake Ann and passed out...I was in Australia on a mission trip...she came home and at the dinner table completely faded...my brother dialed 911 and 5 or 6 paddle shocks later, the squad had her breathing and on her way to the hospital...
She never left...
I came home on the 16th of July watching for my family at the end of the plane's exit ramp...everyone was there but Sarah....
They hadn't called and told me what had happened, so as I listened to my dad explain and my mom cry...I had this "feeling" that we were going to lose her.
We got to "hang out" together for 1 month...daily trips to the hospital, watching movies that she could only handle in small increments b/c her stamina was nearly non-existent. 
Italian Stallion visited during this time and helped with a lot (I explained that in another post) and the night she called frightened b/c they had found a heart for her, we all sat huddled in my living room waiting for my parents to return from the hospital just so we could send them back (this was the time of NO cell phones)

The long and short of it is that the heart didn't work and her body couldn't take it any longer...a bubble got into one of the tubes and she had a stroke...

I didn't go back to see her...I wanted to remember her how I last "spoke" with her, when we signed "I love you" when she had first come out of surgery. 

It's hard to go back and remember the details sometimes...I don't want to remember that she was in pain or that she was scared...but at the same time, that was reality and sometimes that memory helps me face things that I don't want to...

She quoted, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

And so...it's 16 years today...and I chose to remember her laughter, the crazy matching outfits that our mom made us wear,

how she loved to visit me in college, how much of Sarah I see in my own Sweetpea, her love of all things neon and hats, her long fingers that played piano and made crafts...

I miss you sis!

PEACE

My good friend is wrestling with a HUGE decision that has to be made this week and my heart is heavy for her.  I sometimes wish life choices were easier...that we would just KNOW the right thing to do at any given time and be guaranteed just the perfect outcome for which we were hoping.  But, I suppose our need for a Savior wouldn't be all that great at the point either...and that was His purpose for coming in the first place.

I don't mean to get all "heavy" on you first thing on Monday morning...goodness knows I'd like a good laugh right about now:) 

I feel the winds of change coming...school is about to start...the to-do list feels endless: from cleaning out the closet, to getting new shoes & backpacks...purging the basement of unneccesary clutter...figuring out preschool schedules for me & little Munchkin this year...volunteering..."considering" getting a dog (GASP)...

Italian Stallion and I had a longggggggggggggggg talk this afternoon...we really do live a charmed life...we have a comfortable home, healthy children, stability, solid marriage...and yet, we so often feel like all we are doing is "maintaining" the life....we enjoy our children's activities, carting them from one place to another...we help with schooling and learning activities...we make our meals and get the laundry done (sometimes)...we chat with neighbors and go to work daily...mow the lawn and play a round of Wii every once in awhile...

These things are great and good and fun...but, not until recently, did we discover, that both of us know from God's word that there is MORE to this life than just maintaining...sure, we go through seasons of things just needing to be accomplished...for example, the first year of our children's lives...that would be deemed SURVIVAL...you go about life to get to the end of the tunnel and try to enjoy the bright spots along the way...

But, we're at 9.5, 7 and 4 years old...entering a new stage of parenting...minds becoming more independent and I don't want to just "maintain"...We want them to know that not only do we have values and godly priorities...but, there's more to one's life and heart than just "getting it done"....I want a PEACE that settles in our hearts amidst the daily routine...

And the point is...I struggle with it...WE struggle with it...

So, we started the journey this evening...I.S. and I mapping out a plan...writing down not just goals, but practical ways to implement them...I don't know how it will look, but we're planning on bringing it to the family table tomorrow with the girls...

I'm not even sure that I've adequately explained it, but it helps ME to have it written out here...as a reminder of this 'feeling' and knowing that there is a calling that is bigger than just the NOW...

thanks for listening:)

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I've written once again...I'm hoping to get more into a groove once the full schedule gets into motion.  Although, I will be sad to see my babies head off to school again.  So many changes happening...not just in a new grade, new friends, different activities...but my Sweetpea, especially, is starting to come into "her own"...

I can't really explain it well enough because to be honest, I'm just plodding through myself.  At every stage of parenting I find myself in the midst of a gazillion emotions....

Thankful- that I have 3 beautiful, healthy little girls
Content- with a "just the right size" family and happy where God has us for now
Anxious- because they are getting more and more independent (which is a long term goal of ours) but along with it comes the trepidation of the fact that I can't just keep them at my side forever
Happy- because they each come up with new ways to make us laugh...especially at the dinner table
Strong-when I feel like crumbling but know that I have to be confident for them in order to "get them through" a tough patch
Mama Bear (yes I know this is not an adjective to describe an emotion, but roll with me here) "mama bear" comes out less and less these days as I'm "growing up" (he he) and learning to calmly deal with situations, but I can't say that my insides aren't clamoring to get out to chew off the head of some little child who thinks it appropriate to make my little girl cry or intentionally say mean things.
Dependent- I feel this more as they get older and although it is as God wants it, it sometimes is scary to finally realize how LITTLE control I actually have!
Frustrated- when I have answered the question for the umpteenth time when I know she just wants to prove that she's right and I'm wrong and I have to step up and be the parent and I just want her to go back and be the niave little girl she once was:)
Proud- that they actually ARE growing up and asking questions and seeing the world through their eyes, filtering through the values that we've set up for our family.

I could go on and on...sometimes I feel like a jumble and it takes a phone call to Italian Stallion to help me put it back into perspective again.  Only a week until school starts again...a blessed week to have fun with them and cherish the time...

Thank you Jesus!

That was Then...

This is now...

It's been a-while...to say the least...

Between our two families, we've been through quite a few job changes, state moves, living out of the country, adoption,  3 daughters each, biting nails, team teaching, "mommy-dom", a gazillion novels, and a bunch more stuff that I'd just bore you with if I sat here and listed it all...

Sara and I have remained friends through it all...and so have our husbands...I'm sure Graig is thankful he doesn't have to put up with a silly blog name like my husband who reminds me often how he detests my friendly moniker jealous of my hubby's nickname for this blog...sorry friend...I'll talk with Sara for you:)

In the midst of our busy lives and the fact that we live in different states, we obviously have a more difficult time getting together each year...but we do make it a priority and guarantee it will happen...of course, if we fail, we do have 6 little girls that will wreak havoc upon our heads until we commit to a visiting date!

We had the pleasure of having them here this weekend and we enjoyed it to the fullest...it meant very late nights discussing everything from politics to college days, family ties to potty training, photography and cigars, booming business ideas to zucchini bread...and it meant early mornings with six ladies running through the house...

Inevitably G gets everyone laughing...Sara and I defend our "nerdiness"...Italian Stallion thinks up awesome treats and fun activities...and the girlies just giggle and laugh and play non-stop until they collapse during their slumber parties each evening. 

I'm so thankful that our girls have developed friendships that we hope will last them long into the future...we consider them family...we are aunts and uncles and cousins in the "terminology"....but they feel closer than even that...

Sara is a sister...and I am blessed to have them in our lives!

The Younger Sisters

Sweetpea had a playdate yesterday which led into an overnight and into morning playtime.  I think that we and our neighbors have concluded at this point that we share the custodial arrangements for our girls...Their daughter lives over here half the time and vice versa...

It really is an incredible blessing to live in a neighborhood where many of the other households carry the same values as our family...I know that my girls are being watched and cared for...and they feel safe letting their children spend hours here...

(Let's just avoid telling them that I tend to sugar them up from time to time:)

Where I was actually headed with this post was the fact that when Sweetpea is not around, there is a sudden shift in the dynamics of "THE SISTERS"...

I will try to explain...

Sweetpea is a typical firstborn...if I MUST be completely honest, I would say she's just a mini-me...She just has all those firstborn tendencies...she's mothering, nurturing, a stickler for the rules, a tad bossy, and just plain OLDer than her siblings.  These are not bad things...and there is a LOT more to her whole self than just those personality traits...

However, I find that because she possesses these traits so completely at times, they can often determine how her sisters relate not ony to her, but to each other...I don't think I necessarily notice this until she's been removed from the scene for a period of time. 

I watched (and listened) this morning and my Peanut and Lil' Munchkin played doctor, dress up, beauty shop, polly pockets and held hands as they walked down the street to ask another neighbor for brown sugar so we could make cookies.  Normally, these two just "take it" from big sis...she says "jump" they say, "how high and can I wear your flip flops?"

don't get me wrong...it's not that they don't like having Sweetpea around...they adore her and she loves them back with her whole heart...it's just that whole dynamic thing again.  I saw it with my brother too...

We had and still have a great relationship...back then, I pulled his hair until he did what I wanted and I made him play with Barbies...when I headed off to college, he bonded a lot with our younger sisters...although we all have good relationships with each other...each relationship is different...

***for the record, I do NOT pull his hair any longer...I can't vouch for the Barbie thing though:)

I guess I chalked it up to age differences...but watching my girls I'm realizing that it's more than that...I really think there is something to that whole birth order stuff...the way you are wired and how that affects how you relate to others....especially when a more dominant personality is taken out of the equation every once in awhile.  I suppose I was that "dominant personality" to my siblings as well:)

It did my heart well to see them play...to watch Peanut be protective of her little sister and 'teach' her some things...instead of being taught by Sweetpea all the time...It was a good morning...eye opening and heart warming!

Reunion Time!

When you get married, yes, you are marrying the person...but you also marry into a family...

I have been blessed to become part of such a close-knit family with my Italian Stallion's side:) It is a legacy and heritage that I get to pass down to my girls...

Some of you have already seen the slideshow on facebook, but for those that have not...

Cow Teats and other random things my girls learned about this weekend...

Now THAT is a blog post title for ya...

This past weekend was Italian Stallion's family reunion.  That fun time when all the extended family get together and eat and play whilst the "older" generation look with nostalgia and laughter as they watch "my" generation run after the "newest" generation to make sure they don't break their necks, eat dirt or kill their cousins on accident...

On the overnight portion of our visit, we got to stay on a dairy farm...

Thus, the Cow Teats...It was an interesting thing to watch to say the least...

But the farm itself was amazing...I've been to the fair, I've been to "working farms" before...but there is nothing like getting up with the sun and watching in awe as they get things moving...

Even after going to bed at nearly 11pm, the girls still got up at the crack of dawn and wandered out to see Uncle Bum and his crew get to milking the cows and letting the horses out to pasture...

We had a great time visiting with the cousins...and I had the opportunity to use photography to "journal" our whole time.  I am looking forward to getting the pics edited and up here soon.

Until then...hope you enjoy this...I mean, I don't have to "perfect" this beauty...she came right out of the camera lookin' like that:)